( he doesn’t really know about knowing more than kazuya does. their experiences are just dramatically different, and it might seem like that just because makoto is a melancholic, inwardly-reflective, pensive sort of young man. his overactive mind can’t really stop itself from turning concepts and problems over and over in his head, worrying over them like a dog with a bone, even when he’d already generally figured out that there was no real “solution” to be found for them.
here, there experiences are once again dissimilar. for whatever reason, kazuya seems to embody another figure—one so Biblically ancient that he was one of the first two sons of man. makoto himself tends to think of that more metaphorically and allegorically than literally, but it’s still a part of him, and it had existed both before and outside of himself before he had been “kazuya.” or, at least, that’s his understanding of it. it casts a shadow across his friend’s psyche, perhaps coloring his thoughts and opinions sometimes, but it hadn’t stolen away the essence which made him “himself.”
this is very different from what makoto contended with—a division so strong and so stark between the dark, cruel nature of his innermost desires and his heart, which recognized how wrong they were to want, that almost made him feel like two people sometimes. he knows he isn’t. he can’t blame his desires on some external force or influence because he knows they’ve always been honest within himself. this is why he doesn’t allow himself to deny their existence as part of himself anymore; it had been harmful to ever try.
they are different scenarios, but he thinks they can hurt in the same way. that’s why he fumbles through the “advice” he attempts to give, trying to walk the narrow, shared road between them.
he pauses, hesitating for a moment before continuing, ) …The way I started to get better at handling it is, I don’t try to deny it outright. I set limitations… rules. So it goes from something like, “I can never have something like that” to “I could, given the right conditions, and I just have to be patient.” ( he bites his bottom lip, trying to fight down a faint feeling of self-loathing and revulsion as he admits that. it still feels wrong, even if it’s the best he can do. ) Changing it mentally from a ‘never’ to a ‘eventually’… It just makes me feel a little less—crazy.
I don’t know if something like that would help you with what’s between you and Abel because, well… it’s different. But maybe you could try to set some limits with him as well. It might make it easier.
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here, there experiences are once again dissimilar. for whatever reason, kazuya seems to embody another figure—one so Biblically ancient that he was one of the first two sons of man. makoto himself tends to think of that more metaphorically and allegorically than literally, but it’s still a part of him, and it had existed both before and outside of himself before he had been “kazuya.” or, at least, that’s his understanding of it. it casts a shadow across his friend’s psyche, perhaps coloring his thoughts and opinions sometimes, but it hadn’t stolen away the essence which made him “himself.”
this is very different from what makoto contended with—a division so strong and so stark between the dark, cruel nature of his innermost desires and his heart, which recognized how wrong they were to want, that almost made him feel like two people sometimes. he knows he isn’t. he can’t blame his desires on some external force or influence because he knows they’ve always been honest within himself. this is why he doesn’t allow himself to deny their existence as part of himself anymore; it had been harmful to ever try.
they are different scenarios, but he thinks they can hurt in the same way. that’s why he fumbles through the “advice” he attempts to give, trying to walk the narrow, shared road between them.
he pauses, hesitating for a moment before continuing, ) …The way I started to get better at handling it is, I don’t try to deny it outright. I set limitations… rules. So it goes from something like, “I can never have something like that” to “I could, given the right conditions, and I just have to be patient.” ( he bites his bottom lip, trying to fight down a faint feeling of self-loathing and revulsion as he admits that. it still feels wrong, even if it’s the best he can do. ) Changing it mentally from a ‘never’ to a ‘eventually’… It just makes me feel a little less—crazy.
I don’t know if something like that would help you with what’s between you and Abel because, well… it’s different. But maybe you could try to set some limits with him as well. It might make it easier.