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extramortem) wrote2023-12-31 12:44 pm
golden peacock | inbox
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17 / male / interested in: men / 6♠
Details
Prior to arriving here, I was a new demon applying myself to learn everything I could about Hell and its rules as well as demons and the games that they play among one another. Prior to that, I was human—a student in school.
Anything else you want to know about me, you will have to ask me yourself.
Regardless of whether I’m here or in Hell, my goal is the same: I want to learn everything I can about this place and its people, and then I want to utilize the rules and rewards of the Game to best benefit myself. I want to discover what it means to become “powerful” in this place, and I plan on collecting cards and climbing ranks in order to do so—and on my own terms.
Determination and adaptability.
I’m interested in anything thrilling, frightening, or mysterious. Beyond that, I’m willing to try any number of new things, though I typically tend to focus on whatever is capturing my interest at the time. As for food, I would say that my sweet tooth is comparatively underdeveloped—I tend to prefer savory food, though I would be happy to share sweets with another.
What’s most important to me is that it’s someone who accepts me and loves me for everything that I am.
…Though, if he’s attractive, that would certainly be a bonus.
Wine
.02 CLOWNS OR MIMES
…Neither
.03 SHOWER OR BATH
Bath
.04 PIRATES OR NINJAS
Seriously? Neither. This is kind of childish…
.05 TITS OR ASS
Depends
.06 COFFEE OR TEA
Either
.07 SPICY OR SWEET
Spicy
.08 SUMMER OR WINTER
Winter
.09 LEATHER OR LACE
Lace
10. ROUGH SEX OR GENTLE SEX
Both have their place, I think…
INTJ-T
no subject
I’m glad you were able to escape. But, still—sorry. Again.
( “not something you should apologize for.” clearly, makoto disagrees. it’s a shame, though, that he’d never caught sight of esikko’s doppelganger, because it might puzzle him that the man was from his “past” despite appearing older than him. that, or just someone who had… been through more. his words are… assuaging. a small piece of makoto questions why he’s doing this just as much as esi does, but a larger, hungrier, more desperate part of him wants to latch onto them. to use them as candles lit against a deep and harrowing dark, to keep at bay the monsters of despair and doubt that still harrowed him all these days later.
he can’t yet. not entirely. but the condensed knot of worry and anguish inside of him slowly, slowly begins to loosen.
he emits a sound that’s technically a chuckle, though as brittle and joyless as it is, it expresses as far different emotion. ) That’s kinda funny, that you thought that. ( “funny.” ) Since yours was from your past and mine was from my future…
( it at least, what? suggests that esi is on a better path than him?
the feeble smile that’d accompanied the broken-glass laugh fades. he breathes out a short sigh. )
You’re wrong, though.
He was me. The things he said, what I can only assume that he did… they’re all things I think about sometimes. Things I try to bury. I’ve done a lot to avoid becoming that person. ( both his expression and his tone of voice droop as the water in the electric kettle begins to gurgle with heat. ) I guess—it isn’t enough.
no subject
( A strange emotional sort of tension wells in Esikko's voice, a far cry from his usual light and therefore distant tone. There's no teasing lilt, just the weight of an exhaustion that carries across even in the way he sits, body leaning to one side, propped as best as he can, hands only fidgeting in small shifts in his own lap. It's difficult for him to maintain any sort of eye contact, like this, when he's speaking things he's never once bothered before, but he does keep stealing glances. )
Time— and identity, really— are not so linear. There's a dimension to it that can't be comprehended fully, and your mere presence in a place like this, a meeting place of various realms and various pathways, tied together by frayed strings retied and knotted every which way, tangling with one another— that alone should be proof of that.
( Proof, logic, reasoning— he thinks things like that might be the easiest way to struggle with the pain of your own existence. At the very least, it's thoughts like that that kept himself calm in the aftermath of his own doppelganger. Thoughts that plagued him, wondering if he had changed for the better, for the worse, were softened by the idea that even if things might be different back home, the him that here was different. )
I... It's difficult for me to explain my feelings on the matter, but would you hold the actions of the painting of another against their original? Whether past or future, those parts of ourselves can't change. That was a future glimpse of a certain you, sure.
But after all of my lifetimes, I've at last realized that if you'd like something to change, you should try an alternate method. Perhaps trying to avoid it is bringing you closer. ( His fingers curl into his own palms. ) Have you tried to face it head on?
no subject
it’s funny that esi himself arrived to a similar conclusion that M had, though makoto himself is still struggling to add up to it. though who they are at their baseline, encoded into their thought patterns and the very essence of who they were, certainly influenced things, it was both the path they were on and the steady forge of time that made them into who they would one day become. as questionable of a place as it could be, the Golden Peacock wasn’t as inhospitable to him as his version of earth had been. it’s not as cruel and callous as hell. there’s no inevitability, not when they themselves—both their own selves but especially all the people they surround themselves with—could surround them with kinder climes and circumstances.
esikko’s hypothetical causes makoto’s mouth to press into a thin line, his brow furrowing. of course he wouldn’t. he understands that it’s hypocritical to assert as he had, but—it always seems different when it’s you, doesn’t it? you always have the perspective on the worst parts of yourself, those that you are sure not to voice let alone act upon. it’s somewhat paradoxical, that others can view you better than you view yourself because of your own self-restraint—and yet you don’t give yourself credit for that restraint.
in everything that esi says, of course, makoto does catch onto it. his expression crumples into something quizzical. )
“Lifetimes?”
( there are certainly plenty of people in the resort less equipped to understand it. makoto kind of does. being taken into hell had felt like his second, and, honestly, his time here feels like his third. is that what esi means? has he been to all sorts of different realms like this, or is it something else?
either way, it’s not entirely relevant. he thinks about it, really thinks about what esi asks him. it takes him a moment to really identify what it is he’s avoiding and how it would even be possible to try to address it. naturally, his mind shies from it. of course it does. he’s been running and hiding from this deep, dark, monstrous truth of himself his whole life. in the eventuality that he ever truly came to accept it without complaint… isn’t that when he would become who it was he hated?
funnily enough… isn’t this what their doppelgangers had really wanted? to be looked at, seen, understood, and accepted? who knows how M might have reacted if he’d been able to do that. perhaps he had been emboldened, knowing that he wasn’t yet in a state where he could do that yet. )
Wouldn’t that just end up doing the same thing, though? I’ve… ( esi has been so honest with him, he owes him the same, doesn’t he? ) I’ve always wanted to do some really terrible things to people. More than anything, I’ve wanted it. But—it’s wrong to want that, isn’t it? And, facing something like that head on… well, it just doesn’t seem right to just accept it.
I don’t want to become someone who can just thoughtlessly hurt another person. Not—not like how he did.
no subject
Because he feels like he wants to help, for some god awful reason he can't explain. It's not that he ever disliked Makoto, of course— he found him amusing, cute, fun. But care is something different, and he's not sure when that had started. Something that had been so impossible for him to grasp in prior years and lives was now flooding his every sense, causing his heart to beat loud in his own ears.
It feels familiar just enough. That Makoto struggles with some aspect of himself, that he wants to avoid it but feels like he can't, and that he can't think of the one thing that comes so clearly to Esikko right now— )
Facing it head on doesn't mean embracing the actions. Rather, I mean... Instead of avoiding it and hiding from it, perhaps you should talk about it to those who care about you.
( He forces his hands to still from their fidgeting, a tense grip replacing the movement. )
This isn't my first life. Not my second or third or anything close. I've been using my magic to start from the beginning time and time again. So, I suppose I'm trying to say... that this is something I've only recently learned.