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extramortem) wrote2023-12-31 12:44 pm
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17 / male / interested in: men / 6♠
Details
Prior to arriving here, I was a new demon applying myself to learn everything I could about Hell and its rules as well as demons and the games that they play among one another. Prior to that, I was human—a student in school.
Anything else you want to know about me, you will have to ask me yourself.
Regardless of whether I’m here or in Hell, my goal is the same: I want to learn everything I can about this place and its people, and then I want to utilize the rules and rewards of the Game to best benefit myself. I want to discover what it means to become “powerful” in this place, and I plan on collecting cards and climbing ranks in order to do so—and on my own terms.
Determination and adaptability.
I’m interested in anything thrilling, frightening, or mysterious. Beyond that, I’m willing to try any number of new things, though I typically tend to focus on whatever is capturing my interest at the time. As for food, I would say that my sweet tooth is comparatively underdeveloped—I tend to prefer savory food, though I would be happy to share sweets with another.
What’s most important to me is that it’s someone who accepts me and loves me for everything that I am.
…Though, if he’s attractive, that would certainly be a bonus.
Wine
.02 CLOWNS OR MIMES
…Neither
.03 SHOWER OR BATH
Bath
.04 PIRATES OR NINJAS
Seriously? Neither. This is kind of childish…
.05 TITS OR ASS
Depends
.06 COFFEE OR TEA
Either
.07 SPICY OR SWEET
Spicy
.08 SUMMER OR WINTER
Winter
.09 LEATHER OR LACE
Lace
10. ROUGH SEX OR GENTLE SEX
Both have their place, I think…
INTJ-T
no subject
he wants to correct kazuya. he wants to tell him that he doesn’t really care for anyone like that, because they’d never given him reason to—not his parents, not his brother, not any student he had been in school with or teacher or anyone else. but… that’s not necessarily true anymore, is it? and it’s not just fjord and datenshou; there were people here who have been kind to him, who have extended him far more compassion and understanding than he ever thought possible. no, he didn’t hate them. sometimes in his weaker moments, he mistrusted them, as if their kindness was simply a lie that would vanish as soon as they saw the full monstrousness of him. he would feel tempted to think the same with kazuya, if the other demon wasn’t already aware of much of makoto’s darker side.
or is he? does he even know that those desires had resided in makoto long before he’d become a demon? would he still think that, knowing how many months he had spent luridly painting the walls of his mind with increasingly vivid tableaus of imagined violence and vice?
he sits a little woodenly in his chair, food forgotten. his hands fall into his lap, shoulders tense, and he wrestles with how to respond. ) I… ( there is a far less diplomatic way he wants to respond; he wants to tear the words to pieces because he feels like they paint a picture that isn’t even really him. surely kazuya has to understand him better than that? or is it his fault, because he hasn’t explained himself well enough?
it’s hard. just as much as makoto wishes to be accepted and embraced for who he is, he’s terrified to reveal that truth to others, because the alternative is far too terrible to consider. )
I—just don’t want to become the kind of person they all assumed I would turn out to be. ( “that i am.” his throat burns, feeling raw. his expression looks faintly pained. ) It’s not the same.
( it’s simply not true to say he doesn’t want to hurt people, because he does. he does desperately. the intrusiveness of the thoughts stick their fingers into his mind often enough that it has become second nature at this point. he just doesn’t allow himself to act on them except in ways that feel “right” because… well, if he did, then what was the purpose of summoning a demon in the first place if he just ended up that same monster he feared he would become? )
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[And he smiles for that, resting his head in his hands as he watches the other young demon. Where then, had Kazuya lost his humanity completely? It had never been something he'd thought about, but maybe it'd somehow happened the first time he'd summoned a demon, the ferocity in which he'd fought, and almost lost his life with. All to protect his friends.
Truthfully, what he mostly remembers had been rage. Had been hate. A need to kill to protect what mattered most to him.
He also remembers deciding that Keisuke was important to save because Atsuro and him had been close friends, and he'd wanted to protect that smile more than any true inclination to protect another person.
How terrible.]
What keeps me from hurting people, even now, is knowing that my friends would be sad if I did that. Truthfully, I've actually almost killed someone here already. Thankfully he's pretty good at defending himself, and I wasn't really in my right mind.
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the urge to reject what his friend said is still there, but it’s quieter. there’s too much pressure of evidence to prove contrary. in a way, it feels nice to be acknowledged, to have someone see and recognize how much effort he put into trying to be… not even “good,” but just not actively “bad.” in another, it felt wretched; one shouldn’t have to try so hard, right? isn’t this something that comes naturally to most people?
he’s quiet for a long minute, looking down at his half-eaten plate of food without really seeing it. then he speaks up in a subdued voice, ) …Thank you. For saying that.
( makoto glances up at kazuya as the other demon continues, the moroseness of his expression fading as confusion replaces it. ) Really? ( he hasn’t really viewed this place as very… conflict-heavy? sure, some people go to Talon or otherwise to spar and fight, but he hasn’t really seen people do so with intent to injure or kill since he’s arrived here. )
…Did he deserve it?
( the most important question, of course.
he’s quiet for a moment longer, considering, before he also adds, ) If it’s alright that I stop myself just because I don’t want to prove the people I grew up around correct, then… I don’t think it could be wrong that you do the same because you think your friends would be upset. ( a beat. ) Maybe the reason doesn’t matter. Not as much as what you do, or don’t do.
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[He laughs, but it doesn't necessarily lack humour. It's there, seeping in at the edges because it's-
Ridiculous.
Yeah. It's ridiculous that he'd have lost control over something like that. It'd been a perfect storm scenario. A lack of being properly fed magnetite or even bits of Weiss' Aura. The game that had compounded his inherent need for chaos. A call to make good on a centuries old grudge that isn't even his. And, of course, the inherent need for violence that all Bel's possess. God may have been killed, but that hasn't quelled them entirely. It probably never will.]
Maybe you're right, though. I hadn't even meant to attack him seriously. I only wanted to scare him a little.
[He worries his lip. They have all this food, but he'd gone and soured the mood anyway, hadn't he? Well, maybe he can convince Makoto to bring back leftovers that he might enjoy that won't go to spoil so fast.]
If I hurt him seriously... If I hadn't had my powers reigned in by the hotel, I would have made someone I care about really sad. Maybe she would even hate me. I don't want to do that. I want the people I care about to be happy, and I don't want Abel to influence me like that ever again, but... How would you even go about fighting against an inherent part of yourself? It's difficult. I know you know this. [Maybe not necessarily in the same way, of course. But they're similar still, aren't they?]
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( scaring him, that is.
though, in makoto’s experience, nearly getting killed once (or actually getting killed once?) kind of takes the sting out of that particular fright.
he doesn’t mind that their conversation had gotten rather dense and heavy over dinner—not the adjectives one would want to have over a meal, but makoto hadn’t necessarily been very hungry to begin with. he’s made a decent effort even despite their subject, sampling as many of the dishes as he could while they were freshly-made and warm (when applicable). there’s something about food that always awakens the only shred of nostalgia he has in his body; he doesn’t miss home, not in the slightest, but he does sometimes miss the food. finding places to order it within the resort, or friends that could cook, is very much worth it to him.
the young demon sits back in his chair, slumping slightly; he listens, and it’s around the time that kazuya acknowledges his own understanding on the topic that he smiles in a fragile, sad sort of way. yes, makoto has lived two lifetimes full of constant self-conflict, intent on caging the parts of himself before they could do too much harm. he probably understands what kazuya means more than anyone else. he’s just… newer at it, he thinks. )
it’s… hard. ( obviously. he rubs at one forearm as he speaks. ) I can tell you what doesn’t work. Trying to force it down, ignore it, starve it into disappearing… if it’s anything like what I’ve dealt with, that will only make it worse. You can’t punish yourself into making it go away.
( it’s sad that he’s so young and yet speaks with such authority on this, but he had spent years hating himself so deeply and fervently that he’s an expert at this point. he doesn’t as much—anymore. but there’s still a bit of that in him still. he is at least better at acknowledging that it’s all him now, the good and the bad. it’s just about controlling the impact that the latter has to others. )
…Do you think of Abel as something separate from yourself?
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So it goes.
But he does listen to Makoto. Takes what he says and internalizes it, because the other younger demon knows more. Makoto might be younger, but he's still more knowledgeable than he is, even if their experiences and worlds don't line up 100%. He's an authority figure at best, and still someone to bounce around conjecture with at worst. Either way: Someone important, and who's experience he trusts.
He can't starve it into disappearing. He can't force it down and away, and even if he hadn't been doing that entirely, there'd still been a breaking point where it hadn't been enough and he'd snapped.]
Abel is me, but I'm not him. Those are my feelings on the matter. His soul was shattered and I just happened to be the one to pick up enough pieces to put it back together.
[And now, Abel's soul rests, at least in part, where his own had. He'd given up his to take control of Babel to save everyone, and the united pieces had firmly taken up residence in the hole left behind.
Maybe it hadn't been a bad thing. It's not his, but it is a soul, isn't it?]
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here, there experiences are once again dissimilar. for whatever reason, kazuya seems to embody another figure—one so Biblically ancient that he was one of the first two sons of man. makoto himself tends to think of that more metaphorically and allegorically than literally, but it’s still a part of him, and it had existed both before and outside of himself before he had been “kazuya.” or, at least, that’s his understanding of it. it casts a shadow across his friend’s psyche, perhaps coloring his thoughts and opinions sometimes, but it hadn’t stolen away the essence which made him “himself.”
this is very different from what makoto contended with—a division so strong and so stark between the dark, cruel nature of his innermost desires and his heart, which recognized how wrong they were to want, that almost made him feel like two people sometimes. he knows he isn’t. he can’t blame his desires on some external force or influence because he knows they’ve always been honest within himself. this is why he doesn’t allow himself to deny their existence as part of himself anymore; it had been harmful to ever try.
they are different scenarios, but he thinks they can hurt in the same way. that’s why he fumbles through the “advice” he attempts to give, trying to walk the narrow, shared road between them.
he pauses, hesitating for a moment before continuing, ) …The way I started to get better at handling it is, I don’t try to deny it outright. I set limitations… rules. So it goes from something like, “I can never have something like that” to “I could, given the right conditions, and I just have to be patient.” ( he bites his bottom lip, trying to fight down a faint feeling of self-loathing and revulsion as he admits that. it still feels wrong, even if it’s the best he can do. ) Changing it mentally from a ‘never’ to a ‘eventually’… It just makes me feel a little less—crazy.
I don’t know if something like that would help you with what’s between you and Abel because, well… it’s different. But maybe you could try to set some limits with him as well. It might make it easier.
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He'd waited, and he was rewarded. Proof of concept simple enough. Enough monkeys and enough typewriters, so to speak. And it could be the same for Kazuya and Abel too. They had an eternity on their side, after all. More than enough time to figure out the future and how to shape it. Or not.
Kazuya hums contemplatively.]
That might work. Though... I still don't want to be the kind of person who hurts others just because I can. Maybe just knowing there's a time and a place to get those kinds of urges out constructively would be nice.
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for someone like makoto, something like that would never be taken for granted.
he nods, encouraging. ) And if others notice that you only apply your power sparingly, whenever you feel like it’s actually needed… I think they would grow to respect that as well.
( fear and contempt can build for the truly powerful who brandish their strength as a cudgel to bludgeon everyone around them with without reserve. but for someone who applies it instead as a precision weapon, with the wisdom to temper it? that was different, he thinks.
he pauses, glancing at the table, then up to his friend again. )
Um… I think that’s probably as much as I can eat, for now. ( and it wasn’t a lot, given he hadn’t really arrived with an appetite, but he’d at least sampled some of everything. he starts to stand up from the table. ) I can help you put it away… I’m going to be here all day, so we can definitely eat more of it later.