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extramortem) wrote2023-12-31 12:44 pm
golden peacock | inbox
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17 / male / interested in: men / 6♠
Details
Prior to arriving here, I was a new demon applying myself to learn everything I could about Hell and its rules as well as demons and the games that they play among one another. Prior to that, I was human—a student in school.
Anything else you want to know about me, you will have to ask me yourself.
Regardless of whether I’m here or in Hell, my goal is the same: I want to learn everything I can about this place and its people, and then I want to utilize the rules and rewards of the Game to best benefit myself. I want to discover what it means to become “powerful” in this place, and I plan on collecting cards and climbing ranks in order to do so—and on my own terms.
Determination and adaptability.
I’m interested in anything thrilling, frightening, or mysterious. Beyond that, I’m willing to try any number of new things, though I typically tend to focus on whatever is capturing my interest at the time. As for food, I would say that my sweet tooth is comparatively underdeveloped—I tend to prefer savory food, though I would be happy to share sweets with another.
What’s most important to me is that it’s someone who accepts me and loves me for everything that I am.
…Though, if he’s attractive, that would certainly be a bonus.
Wine
.02 CLOWNS OR MIMES
…Neither
.03 SHOWER OR BATH
Bath
.04 PIRATES OR NINJAS
Seriously? Neither. This is kind of childish…
.05 TITS OR ASS
Depends
.06 COFFEE OR TEA
Either
.07 SPICY OR SWEET
Spicy
.08 SUMMER OR WINTER
Winter
.09 LEATHER OR LACE
Lace
10. ROUGH SEX OR GENTLE SEX
Both have their place, I think…
INTJ-T
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[He'll send Makoto the room number.... And nothing else. You know. For Dramatic effect.]
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he’s told makoto in the past that he doesn’t stay at his room very often—is he inviting him to the room of someone else who’s been putting him up? if that’s the case, he isn’t sure he’d be comfortable with that… it gives him a bizarre feeling of imposing, especially if it’s someone he doesn’t know (and possibly worse if it’s someone he does know?). but if there’s anyone in the golden peacock who has earned makoto’s benefit of the doubt, it’s kazuya. ultimately he doesn’t even reply; he gathers what meager things he was able to salvage from his room before it completely filled with water, and he goes up the stairs.
he doesn’t have to go up that many floors. kirma’s room is on the floor hosting the tens and nines, so he passes the floor for aces and jacks before arriving… at where the kings and queens stay. makoto’s expression grows more and more uncertain as he walks down the hallway, eventually arriving in front of the door with the number that kazuya had given him. it’s massive, extravagant—he’s vaguely reminded of the grandiosity of the architecture in datenshou’s brothel.
he reaches out to rap his knuckles against the door, weirdly nervous. he’s never been up here in the penthouses before. what if it isn’t even his room? what if he is punking him? he knows they’re baseless accusations that a wounded, mistrustful part of himself hurls out from the dark at the pit of his chest, but they still bob up to his consciousness regardless. he forcibly shoves them aside as he waits, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. )
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Kazuya Minegishi, King of Bel and Demon Overlord, is a particularly sentimental type. Maybe later it might turn into something more extravagant as time goes by, but for now? It's pretty much the inside of the normal Japanese household.
He holds onto the handle of the door, opening it wide for Makoto to easily get through with his things. The temptation to offer to help him carry them is there, and he even makes a little half movement like he does mean to help, before he remembers Makoto's rather prideful nature.]
Do you wanna run your clothes through the wash? I can get housekeeping to do it, or we can just use the machine already here. Up to you.
[Still, his nature is to be helpful. Makoto can pester him about everything else later, but for now? For now Kazuya wants to try and offer his help in a way that doesn't step on Makoto's toes.]
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to… a suite far less luxurious than makoto had expected. there is probably no other permutation that the interior could have taken that would shock the young demon more—as soon as his silver-and-crimson eyes flicker from his friend to survey his surroundings, he manages to go even more impossibly pale than normal, feeling… oddly nauseous. contrary to what images its name might elicit in the mind’s eye of others when they hear of hell, the one that makoto had been taken to had been bizarrely pastoral, some parts of it even picturesque. the architecture of many of the sprawling manors of high-ranking demons he had seen (as well as J’s own mansion) had always been Western to his eyes, and though datenshou’s brothel had been quite different, it had been so grand and opulent that it had still felt like an alien world. not that much unlike the golden peacock, albeit with different characteristic features.
there’s no way that kazuya could have known. but all of makoto’s associated memories to the average Japanese family home are poisonous ones indeed, full of seething and unspoken hatred, the cold and bitterness of familial disappointment, and all the dread anticipation of the moment before the guillotine blade falls. he has to blink himself out of his momentary reverie as several of those memories suddenly rush up to the surface, unbidden. makoto has suffered many indignities in his life, and he would suffer many more, but the one that truly breaks him in his near future is J forcing him to see his father again, to be the instrument for his own self-insured death.
there are some regrets makoto has in making his decision to become a demon. leaving earth, and everyone he’d ever known, behind was not one of them. he never wants to see that place again. he never wants to see their faces again. he doesn’t want to be reminded of the hell he’d lived in for those sixteen or so years—one of their own making.
still, he steps inside, trying to move past the unexpected shell shock and the ringing in his ears. as far as things are concerned, makoto doesn’t have much; there’s one bag slung over his shoulder full of his spare clothes and the few belongings he hadn’t wanted to risk to the rising water. even if he noticed kazuya’s half-gesture to reach out to help him (he doesn’t), he might not have even known how to interpret it—it’s not like there’s much to help him with.
his brain slowly starts to change gears as the question is posed to him. he blinks again, remembering his own voice. ) Oh, um… No, thank you, I don’t think that would be necessary. ( his expression creases somewhat at the mention of “housekeeping.” ) I already had that taken care of.
( considering the choice in decor, he feels like the question answers itself, but he still has to ask his friend with a furrowed-brow expression full of questions, ) Is this place—yours?
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[But Makoto doesn't seem surprised in the way he had intended for him to be. More so apprehensive. Concerned. Maybe a little frightened? It's strange, but then again, maybe not. Kazuya has already come to realize the vast differences in their lived experiences, even for as much as they have in common.
Well. Whatever it was that had him in such a stupor, Kazuya intends to make it right. To give Makoto something more pleasant to deal with than whatever negative experiences had taken over his mind in that moment.]
I just recently ranked up, so... I thought maybe you'd be the first person I invited over? The cuddles were kind of just an excuse.
[He laughs a little, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.]
And... I kind of wanted to share my cooking with you, since I finally have a chance now to really go all out. Most of it's already been prepared, so I'm actually really glad that you said yes to come by. Even if it's because your room was mostly underwater. But hey! Zero chance of it being drugged if I'm the one doing the cooking, right?
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Ranked up…? But you were—
( in the basement. yep. and makoto has kazuya’s (former) card, so he knows full well what rank he had previously been and how many he might have had to turn in to apply for such a promotion. he gives his friend a Look, but he doesn’t say anything. no, he doesn’t particularly want to hear him chirp for the third or fourth time about how much he’s getting laid in here. it’s not really makoto’s business. he shakes his head, moving on.
the emotional landscape visible in his expression shifts, however, as kazuya admits that he’s the first he’s invited over since the promotion. his eyebrows draw together, uncertain, though more that he’s just… well, it’s strange to feel distinguished in this way. he’s only ever been distinguished by others for things he didn’t really want to be. ) Because… why, because I was the first one you met here?
( so his brain tries to find more logical explanations than emotional ones.
interactions with makoto tend to be the gradual weakening and tearing down of various defensive barriers and levels of mistrust—unfortunately, it tends to have to happen even with one he considers himself close to. at least in this instance, it happens quickly. there are very few things makoto actually misses from earth, but food is actually one of them, and he’s aware that cooking for someone is an act done from the heart. his expression slowly pieces itself together from surprise into something tentative and fragile; he always feels strange and uncertain accepting the kindness of others, as if he fears breaking it. )
I… I would have come even if that wasn’t the case. ( hell, even if the food was dosed, probably even then? though that wouldn’t make too much sense, considering kazuya had seem far more intent on the PG-13 aspects of this 24 hours rather than the unrated ones. he offers a small, sheepish smile, glancing about. ) And I suppose I could eat. ( he feels his own gracelessness at accepting the offer, and his cheeks burn both with the feeling of heart-warming consideration and embarrassment at that. ) Do you want to show me what you’ve made?
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[Sure, that isn't to say that Makoto is his only friend here, but Makoto is someone who does, in fact, mean a lot to him. It's hard to say just why he wanted Makoto here first, though. Maybe it's because it just felt right, that the first person he invites over is first person he'd met, the first demon to have a situation so similar to his own. Maybe even it's because he still wants to make up somehow for how their initial encounter went, even if he'd apologized for it several times over by this point.
He'll leave it at that, though. The feelings he have seem too significant to be described by anything else, and he's always been quick to grow attached to people once they've gotten into his good graces. His smile is quick to grow, quick to widen as Makoto admits that he could eat, and that's good, because he'd certainly made a lot. Kazuya nods, waving Makoto to follow him to the kitchen and dining area. It's much more expansive than the relative normalcy of the house might otherwise imply, but honestly, that was one part he didn't want to skimp out on as he got settled. It's clear that the intent here was to always have guests, to always be able to cook for the people he cares about.
And speaking of care, a lot has seemingly gone into the meal. It's high quality, and well prepared and presented. From the sushi to the tonkatsu to the okonomiyaki and gyudon (He remembered the meal they had together on their date!), it's all fresh, and all ready to be picked through for eating, served in rather luxurious bowls that also don't quite fit the aesthetic Kazuya was going for.]
I had some help with some stuff from a demon, but since he's apparently the official chef of high ranking demons where I'm from, I don't think it'll be too bad. I'm definitely better at making sweets than actual meals, but practice makes perfect, right?
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makoto’s gaze softens, and his mouth forms a thin, tight line. nagging questions spring to mind, of course—that he knows that kazuya has plenty of friends, so why is it that he jumped to mind when the new king of the casino considered who he might entertain in his new suite? but he is at the very least self-aware enough to know that these are insecurities taking up space within his mind, clamoring distractingly amidst more orderly thoughts. there might always be a small, vulnerable part of him that would ring the alarm to mistrust every extension of kindness, to doubt the sincerity of any help or consideration given to him, because it had been hurt and betrayed and damaged enough times to break along those lines. no, it’s more about… knowing when to listen to that voice and when to knowingly set it aside. if he has to fear all of with kazuya, then who else is there for him to learn to trust here?
fortunately for makoto, kazuya leads the way to the kitchen swiftly enough that he doesn’t run the risk of toppling helplessly into the abyss of sentimentality. there would likely be more time for that later.
what he might have expected was far less grandiose than what awaited him. he isn’t sure what he might have thought kazuya would prepare for him—the careful construction of all of the home-made elements of a bento, perhaps, or tonkatsu or grilled fish… well, he did make tonkatsu, but he also put together what looks like a full spread, something that wouldn’t be out-of-place even in red cardinal. makoto’s eyes are wide as he absorbs all of it; it takes all of the scraps of his remaining composure to keep his mouth from falling ajar. )
You— …wow. You didn’t have to make all of this, but, ( and he looks at his friend, already anticipating the bright expectation he would see there, so he continues, ) I’m glad you did. Thank you… even if it is a little much. You think just the two of us are going to be able to eat through all of this?
( u kno… just light teasing… it’s fine. he does his best to find an unobtrusive spot in the dining area to set his bag down, checking with kazuya for affirmation before moving to where the food is, excited to sample all of the dishes. )
You say a demon helped you with all of this?
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[He'd gone a little overboard, yes. Combined with the enthusiasm from the Nisroc he'd summoned, they'd both really over done it. Kazuya just laughs, but honestly, he looks absolutely elated at the gentle teasing. Even more so when Makoto takes a seat, and Kazuya moves around to sit across from him eagerly.]
But yeah, a demon helped out. It's called a Nisroc, there's a few of them, but it doesn't really matter which one you'd call forth. Cooking is what they do, and what they take pride in.... And apparently even uses fruits from the tree of life in some of the dishes he cooks.
[Maybe one day he'll try one. There's plenty of time on his hands, after all.]
But do me a favour, save some room for dessert, okay? Those are what I really excel in making, and I'd like for you to try what I made. Especially since you're picky enough to give me your true feelings on it.
[He's teasing back... But honestly, he'd definitely like that feedback!]
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he finishes preparing his plate as kazuya explains, thinking to himself that… he doesn’t feel that he entirely understands what he’s talking about. he’s mentioned being the king of all demons and being able to summon them and stuff like that before, but how is it that he can do that here? aren’t they cut off from the worlds they’ve come from? is it some sort of contract—are they stored inside of him in some way, and he’s just able to bring them out? makoto gets the sense that he might just get peeved at the answer, but ultimately his own curiosity gets the better of him.
he does pause a moment to give kazuya a strange look at the information on the fruit from the tree of life—as in, like, the story from the Bible? does that make the food taste different or have special properties? uh. anyways. not really the point right now. )
How is it that you’re able to summon them here? Does it have to do with a contract?
( he gives his friend a thin, wan smile at his request. yes, he’s teasing him… but he is right. there are certain people makoto would be more cautious around, but he’s not exactly concerned with preserving kazuya’s feelings. he knows he can weather his honesty, knowing that it’s good-intentioned (or, at least, not bad-intentioned). )
…Okay. I’ll do that. ( he pauses to eat a piece of sushi. afterward: ) Truthfully, I’ve never had much of a sweet tooth… but I’ll let you know if anything impresses me.
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[They'd been enough to impress Naoya, but then again, he'd specifically learned to impress his cousin in the first place.
Kazuya puts a few pieces of food onto his own plate as he thinks on how best to answer Makoto's other question, though.]
All demons where I'm from have to obey my word. [Something Makoto knows, obviously.] Unless they have a contract, which supersedes my authority over them. As for how I summon them... It's mostly using my will to pull them here when I want them.
[And doing the same thing to dismiss them, obviously.]
There are only a handful of demons that I wouldn't have to summon from the demon realm here, and those would be the other Bel demons. Though letting them out here wouldn't really end well for anyone. The ones I usually stick with summoning here are Genma types, Nisroc is a Fallen type demon. But one usually that's too preoccupied with cooking to do any sort of harm to anyone.
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( because… it’s just a lot of pressure! why do so many of the people he meets have to be the types to be so passionate about sweets? he’s just never really had much of a sweet tooth! it’s just a personal quality, and not some sort of lofty mountain that enticed the thrill-seeking or insane to crest its summit!
but kazuya is his friend. so he’s going to try to be good-natured about it.
the answer feels watery and ephemeral, but perhaps that’s just the nature of demons. truth be told, makoto still doesn’t understand the mechanics of a lot of what demons from his own version of hell do. he’s aware that J could open portals to earth, supposedly “called” whenever a human performed a summoning, but he isn’t sure how. he’s certainly never made one himself. he’d always thought, maybe one day, if he ever got the hang of this whole “demon” thing…
though, remembering his own contract with J—could he even do all that, from the demon’s side? the thought of it, as he is now, is intimidating to him.
he ponders for a moment over a few bites of food. )
So the ones you summon… you’re pulling them from the demon realm to here? ( this point stands out the most to him; for whatever reason, he’d thought he’d been summoning them from… he doesn’t know. within himself? or within some sort of item? ) I guess I’m surprised that you’re able to do that… though, I guess it’s different from trying to get yourself or someone else out of here.
( he knows that if J could make a portal back to hell, he surely would have done so already. )
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[He says, to what Makoto questions. He is in fact pulling them from the demon realm to here, though he hasn't actually given it much thought as to why they're allowed to go back home, and he can't.
Weird.]
Maybe it's because we're specifically chosen by this place to be here? So we can't leave without it's say so.
[He reaches, pulling a few more pieces of sushi towards himself. They really aren't going to make too much of a dent in this platter, are they?]
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( they’re the object of the golden peacock’s machinations, after all, not any of kazuya’s demons. so that he can pull them from where they’re from without much issue isn’t all that strange. he ruminates on this as he continues to eat. no, they probably won’t be putting much of a dent in this at all, because it looks like kazuya (and his demon instructor) had prepared a spread for a party rather than just two young demons. but there’s still something exciting about the presentation of the thing, though. )
It’s pretty convenient that you can just summon help like that whenever you want.
( he does his best to keep his tone neutral, not betraying any itching sense of inequity or envy. fortunately, with kazuya, he has ample opportunity to practice. it’s not like makoto had any demon underlings to summon even if he had the ability to. technically, he’s the demon underling; he’s just lucky J isn’t exactly leveraging his power as his master over him here. )
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[No denying that. He already knows Makoto envies him for the power he holds, and while he really wouldn't mind sharing it with him, the younger demon has already made it obvious that he doesn't want anything out of pity or that he doesn't think he's earned. It's a harsh way of looking at things, but considering what he's been through, Kazuya doesn't blame him for not wanting to be indebted to someone else that might pull rank at any time.
Even if he'd never do such a thing.]
I try not to summon them so much, though. Honestly, I don't really like demons, for the most part. I wouldn't care if the majority of them disappeared forever.
[But that's his own chip on his shoulder. It's hard not to feel negatively about creatures that have more or less ruined your and the lives of your friends. And with the Angels and God gone, there's not much more for him to care about, is there?]
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it’s what kazuya continues to next that makoto struggles more to contend with. they have chips on their shoulders that directly mirror one another’s—where kazuya lionizes humanity, makoto can’t help but feel wary of it, even preferring the company of demons despite their many cruelties and faults. it’s not as though demons haven’t committed their own trespasses against him. J has treated him as little more than a plaything, very nearly up to his breaking point. datenshou had honestly been far kinder of an employer than he expected in the confines of hell, and he knew it wasn’t for show; the incensate always kept in mind the capabilities and wellbeing of his employees. his opinions are far more muddied when it came to the general ranks of demons that had come to visit him, eager to purchase, time, attention, and intimacy; genteel and well-mannered monsters were still monsters. does he agree with kazuya? would he care if the majority of them, those which he had met in hell, disappeared forever?
hm… well, he certainly wouldn’t mourn them. but he’s not sure he would celebrate it either. makoto understands demons—in his eyes, they are almost admirably earnest in the way they pursue their most base and destructive desires. he would always prefer a demon being honest about their cruelty to a human pleading righteous piousness while doing the same; it’s the hypocrisy he sees in many people, tangled in their considerations of morals, that disgusts him so much more. )
But you’re their king, though… Are you just going to ignore them forever?
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[And how could he? He hasn't even been home yet. The scope of the problem that likely awaits him on arrival after everything is beyond his knowing. Atsuro had wanted to bring the demons to heel under the power of the COMP. To use and force them to obey all of humanities whims as little more than obedient tools.
It's not that he disagrees with him. Maybe he would have tried to pursue that path if it hadn't been for other factors. But then again, is that what was right? To entrust such dangerous tools to humanity to use as they see fit? It's something he struggles with thinking about even now.
To say nothing of how people might receive him back home either. There's the potential that they'll hate him. That they'll turn on him and his friends for what they did. Think he's a threat that needs to be taken care of. Or maybe they'd exalt him? There's just so much he doesn't know, and any plans he might have are contingent on other factors.]
I guess it depends on what it's like when I do get back home. If they don't want me around, then there's no point in me staying in the human realm, so I'll probably just leave.
[To say nothing of his contract with Weiss. That's also something to consider, how he'd promised himself over to her side to protect her until her dying breath, more or less.]
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makoto’s mental picture of the scenario which awaits kazuya in his own world is a sketchy one, but it had been tumultuous enough to involve angels and demons and the death of God, so one would assume that it would be a world that has undergone some potentially calamitous changes. kazuya doesn’t seem to be alone in leaving such precarious situations behind back home, or at least so makoto has gleaned from talking to others. it didn’t really apply to him. little happened in hell, and back home… well, he had left it in the same state it had always been in. he didn’t miss it. he didn’t want to go back. he wouldn’t say he wished ill upon it; it’s not like he yearned for some sort of vengeance against them. he just never wanted to see his family or any of those other people again.
but he knew that wasn’t the case for kazuya. he had people he cared about—both personally and in general. still, makoto wouldn’t need to be hazarded to understand his friend’s wariness at returning. it seems like he had lived a normal life, before; the kind of life makoto had always been on the outside looking in on, with all of his classmates. becoming a demon might very well other him just as makoto had been once. knowing how deeply it cut, the horrible and deep abyss of depression he had sunk into because of it… it causes his heart to ache in sympathy. he wouldn’t want his friend to ever have to face something like that.
for a moment, makoto sets his wrist down on the table, pausing in his meal. his sympathy is written plainly in his gaze and his knit brow. he pauses before replying. )
…I think they’d be crazy to not want you around. ( it’s a heartfelt thing to say, and therefore a vulnerable one. his gaze immediately flicks down because of it; he always feels self-conscious when speaking this way. he’s not accustomed to it. ) You’d do whatever you needed to to help them, so it would be stupid if people rejected that.
And if they do… ( his hand lifts to poke at his food, ) Well, good riddance. You’re king… maybe you could make something better out of Hell.
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[Not that he isn't grateful for Makoto's sympathy, or his honest words. His own voice is soft and gentle as he speaks, and even if he tries very hard to avoid thinking about his situation, every time it does come up, it gives him more to think about. A new way to consider his future roll in the grand scheme of things. ]
You know, when my friends back home asked me what I'd do when I was King, I tried to make lighthearted jokes. Tell them I'd take over the world. [They... Didn't entirely believe him, thankfully.] I didn't want them to worry about me, since everything was so tense at the time, and I wanted to lighten the mood.
[Mildly successfully, at that.]
It's not as if everyone would hate me back home. There's a handful of people I know who would support me no matter what. It's them I care about more than myself. I can't help but wonder how people would react to them supporting me. Would they get hurt just for me being around?
[It's hard to say. He doesn't know why he's saying all this anyway. This is supposed to just be a light-hearted meal for the two of them.]
Either way. It doesn't matter while I'm here. I won't know how things will turn out until I get home, right?
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not by what kazuya says, necessarily. it’s logical. it’s perhaps too logical, considering what he knows about what kazuya’s world went through prior to his arrival here. but it’s just… he just doesn’t think he can understand how he can take such a measured look and approach to the situation. makoto had never done a single thing for his world—the only kindness he had ever truly given it was taking himself out of it before he ever actually hurt anyone. but even then, he had burned with an irascible wound at how he had felt rejected by it. ultimately, it didn’t really matter; no one from his own world had owed him anything of the sort. but to someone like kazuya, who had seemingly suffered just as much as the rest of them if not more, only to risk his own life and make what might be considered a great personal sacrifice to try to help it? he just doesn’t understand the level of magnanimity that he has. if makoto had done all of that only to be shunned and rejected yet again, well. he’d probably try to burn the whole place down.
but they are two very different people. kazuya might joke about taking over the world, but makoto would heavily consider it, less out of personal desire and more out of simple spite. )
It seems to me like you’re just forgiving people for giving into their prejudices. You may be a demon now, but you were a human, and it’s not like you’ve become some completely different person.
( he frowns. what an alien thought, having people who might fall under fire for continuing to support him. though makoto supposes it might not be too strange here… so many people have been accepting or at the very least indifferent of him and his morbid desires, but certainly not everyone would be, right? he understands the thought of wanting to retreat away from it all, if associating with him suddenly put those he cared about in trouble (or inconvenience). )
You could try to protect them from that. Though… I don’t know. That might not help.
( how to defend some humans from other humans, without the latter latching on to the idea that you’re some sort of threat? )
I guess. But this time might be useful to try to think about it and prepare as much as you can. I’m not saying all the time, but… it could be an advantage if you decided to use it that way.
( he’s certainly been treating his time here like that. if he can’t get a wish from finishing the game, he at least wants to have pieced himself together as a more intimidating demon. well, either that, or just making sure he doesn’t get too out of practice just in case he had to go back to work for datenshou… )
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[It's Makoto, so maybe the younger demon might understand it. Maybe because he's a demon, maybe because his own situation was the same when he was human. He doesn't know, but he grabs a piece of the tuna sushi, putting it on his own plate to contemplate it for a moment.]
I say all these things, but... If it weren't for those friends of mine, I wonder where I'd be, as the newly crowned King of Bel. Truthfully? I think... I don't much care for people aside from my friends. I try to remain polite and respectful, but if it weren't for them? If they hadn't been there when the first group of them turned on me at the angel's behest to try and kill me for their own salvation? I don't think the outcome would have been nearly as pleasant, nor nearly as neat and tidy.
[Which is to say, he probably wouldn't have hesitated in fighting back. In removing those who would deem themselves threats, even if there was no way for them to truly hurt him, even at his weakest.]
Maybe they know that. The government is right to be afraid of me. So is the common person.
[He can be a threat, if he needs to be. The moment his friends get hurt, all bets are off. But his friends would be sad, and that may be the last lingering shred of humanity he has. The ability to pull back.
The piece of sushi gets prodded a little more, before he finally eats it.]
I think... It shouldn't really be too much longer before I completely subsume the other Bel demons. Who knows how much of myself I'll still have left at the end.
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he doesn’t know. he doesn’t think it would have changed much, ultimately. he might have just ended up too worried he might end up hurting them instead. that, and it would have made it even harder for him to leave earth behind if he actually cared about anyone there. it had been all too easy for makoto to agree to go to hell with J, believing full well in his heart that he didn’t care if he ever saw any of its people ever again.
he isn’t the right person to advocate for humanity—it feels uncomfortable, especially considering they had never even once advocated for him.
and yet… )
When people are afraid and desperate, they’ll make choices they wouldn’t have otherwise. Ones they might regret, later.
( he frowns, grappling with words for a moment before continuing: ) I don’t think you’re wrong. But maybe if you just give them time, they’ll calm down and be more open-minded.
( he says it more for kazuya’s sake than anything else. regardless of what he might say, he does get the sense that being rejected by humanity like that would hurt his friend. he doesn’t want something like that to happen.
his expression further folds with concern. ) I—I know it doesn’t work the same way for us, but… I was actually surprised, how much myself I still felt, after. ( he rests his arms on the table, leaning forward; his food is forgotten, though he’ll probably remember it at some point (probably?). ) You could fight it. You already beat them once, so why couldn’t you beat them again? And, even if you do change, I still think you’d be you at your core. Even with how you’ve already changed, I think I see that… I think your friends would, too.
( and then everyone else would follow?
a wave of timidity washes over him; he slouches a little in his chair, gaze down. ) I… don’t think I’m very good at being encouraging, but… I bet you’d be able to deal with something like that way better than me, or anyone else I know.
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You're a good person, you know.
[And he means it, and he laughs slightly.]
I don't think I'm close to being as good of a person as you are. What I do, I do strictly for selfish reasons. I don't really care about people other than my friends, and I mostly do what I do because I'm thinking about how it would make them feel. I don't want to upset them, but you? You're a good person. You don't want to upset or hurt anyone for your own reasons.
[If they wanted, he'd burn the entire world down for them. If someone tried to hurt them, only then would their happiness come second.]
My brother told me I was a good pawn. I guess I can't disagree. I do what the people I care about want me to do.
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he wants to correct kazuya. he wants to tell him that he doesn’t really care for anyone like that, because they’d never given him reason to—not his parents, not his brother, not any student he had been in school with or teacher or anyone else. but… that’s not necessarily true anymore, is it? and it’s not just fjord and datenshou; there were people here who have been kind to him, who have extended him far more compassion and understanding than he ever thought possible. no, he didn’t hate them. sometimes in his weaker moments, he mistrusted them, as if their kindness was simply a lie that would vanish as soon as they saw the full monstrousness of him. he would feel tempted to think the same with kazuya, if the other demon wasn’t already aware of much of makoto’s darker side.
or is he? does he even know that those desires had resided in makoto long before he’d become a demon? would he still think that, knowing how many months he had spent luridly painting the walls of his mind with increasingly vivid tableaus of imagined violence and vice?
he sits a little woodenly in his chair, food forgotten. his hands fall into his lap, shoulders tense, and he wrestles with how to respond. ) I… ( there is a far less diplomatic way he wants to respond; he wants to tear the words to pieces because he feels like they paint a picture that isn’t even really him. surely kazuya has to understand him better than that? or is it his fault, because he hasn’t explained himself well enough?
it’s hard. just as much as makoto wishes to be accepted and embraced for who he is, he’s terrified to reveal that truth to others, because the alternative is far too terrible to consider. )
I—just don’t want to become the kind of person they all assumed I would turn out to be. ( “that i am.” his throat burns, feeling raw. his expression looks faintly pained. ) It’s not the same.
( it’s simply not true to say he doesn’t want to hurt people, because he does. he does desperately. the intrusiveness of the thoughts stick their fingers into his mind often enough that it has become second nature at this point. he just doesn’t allow himself to act on them except in ways that feel “right” because… well, if he did, then what was the purpose of summoning a demon in the first place if he just ended up that same monster he feared he would become? )
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